Mock, That's a Bunch of Mocking (and half the league too)

Mock Drafts that Mock People – Kyle, Adam, Kimball and Andrew

KYLE
Note: All comments are written as if Kyle was responding to his draft picks.

C – Ivan Rodriguez

“Rodriguez is just as good of a hitter as Pete Rose.”

1B – Carlos Guillen (via trade with Kimball)

“Guillen is as good of a hitter as Billy Hamilton.”

2B – Placido Polanco

“Polanco is almost as good as Rogers Hornsby.”

3B – Miguel Cabrera (keeper)

“Cabrera is just like Babe Ruth on the stat line and the waste line.”

SS – Edgar Renteria

“Lefty O’Doul’s got nothin’ on Renteria.”

LF – Jacque Jones

“Shoeless Joe Jackson only wishes he were as good as Jacque Jones.”

CF – Curtis Granderson (keeper)

“Ty Cobb? Yeah, I forgot he existed too after watching Granderson play.”

RF – Magglio Ordonez (keeper)

“Did I mention that Ordonez is Ted Williams reincarnate?”

SP – Justin Verlander (via trade with Andrew)

“Cy Young and Verlander are synonymous with each other.”

CL – Todd Jones

“MU sucks. I should have been a Kansas fan.”


KIMBALL
Note: All comments are written as if Kimball was responding to his draft picks.

C – John Buck

Lionel Hutz: “Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace ‘accidentally’ with ‘repeatedly’ and replace ‘dog’ with ‘son.’”

1B – Carlos Guillen

Homer: “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.”

2B – Chase Utley (keeper)

Mayor Quimby: “I stand by my racial slur.”

3B – Mike Lowell

Kent Brockman: “…And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.”

SS – Jhonny Peralta

Mr. Burns: “I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children.”

LF – Adam Dunn

Sideshow Bob: “Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!”

CF – Reggie Wilts

Krusty the Clown: “And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.”

RF – Jose Guillen

Homer: “Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.”

SP – Scott Kazmir (keeper)

Homer: “How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who makes sound effect laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.”

CL – Jonathan Papelbon (keeper)

Homer: “Save me, Jeebus.”

ADAM
Note: All comments are written as if Adam was responding to his draft picks. At least that’s what it would be, but I’ve never actually met Adam… so… I’m just going to make fun of him for being a Cardinals fan.

C – Joe Mauer

The Cardinals catcher is a Molina descendant. How unoriginal is that?

1B – Mark McGwire

McGwire’s PED seasons of 1997-2001 render all St. Louis accomplishments which eliminates two of your six division championships since 1996. Cheaters. You’ve destroyed the game.

2B – Joe McEwing

No, really, that guy started 152 games for you in 1999. At least the Royals were smart enough to not do that.

3B – Scott Spiezeo

Um… flamer? Plus, the guy was cut because he has “a six-count complaint involving drunken driving and assault in a December car crash” out on him. By Erik’s standards, that makes him a rapist.

SS – Ozzie Smith

He’s going to be the Cardinal who violently dies this year. At Kansas City doesn’t kill off their baseball players. We only do that to should be Hall of Fame linebackers near the end of their career.

LF – Chris Duncan

His brother’s name is Shelly. That’s a girl’s name. Pansy. That same “pansy” gene is in Chris. What a pansy.

CF – Gary Mathews Jr.

Well, at least you don’t have a douche bag playing center anymore. Wait, Colby Rasmus is going to be in center? Never mind then.

RF – Ryan Ludwick

You’re still bitter about 1985 aren’t you? I knew it.

SP – Chris Carpenter

Do your cell phone updates work? Because Tony was having trouble with his and I didn’t know if you could help him with that or not. Maybe the guy who runs the updates committed suicide after finding out Pujols got hurt.

CL – Anthony Reyes

I saw the Cardinals Bandwagon the other day dropping off more people. It must be hard realizing 95% of your fan base is fake.

ANDREW
Note: All comments are written as if Andrew was commenting on his draft.

C – Russell Martin (keeper)

“I wonder if I could trade him to Joel for Benito Santiago?”

1B – Justin Morneau

“Screw it. I’ll trade Morneau for Joel Peralta straight up. This isn’t the major leagues, it’s fantasy baseball!”

2B – Terry Shumpert

“Keeper.”

3B – Miguel Cabrera (via trade with Kyle)

“I plan on swinging him to Ben for Dontrelle Willis.”

SS – Derek Jeter

“I hate the Yankees. I don’t care who I get for him, I just want to get rid of him. He’s cancer on my team.”

LF – Manny Ramirez

“Hmmm, Ramirez for Tony Pena Jr.? Done.”

CF – Carlos Beltran

“I’m going to trade Carlos Beltran for Mark Teahen and John Buck just like the Royals did in real life. Go Royals! Championship!”

RF – Bobby Abreu

“Abreu is slumping. I’m going to trade Abreu for Jermaine Dye who is slumping even worse. That should work!”

SP – C.C. Sabathia (keeper)

“Keeping Sabathia seemed like a good idea at the time. I think I’m going to trade him to Erik for some minor league prospect I’ve never heard of. Hey, if he’s on Erik’s team, he must be good!”

CL – Huston Street

“I’m addicted to blown saves. I can’t let him go.”