Week One: On My Signal, Unleash Hell

Baseball: Where people get excited about John Kruk being in their living-rooms and bedrooms late at night.

Let the Fantasy Begin!!!

Oh Fantasy Baseball, how I’ve missed you so. And to think, this year I have a reasonable shot at winning simply because I’m in the same division as Jason, Jeff W., Adam and, uh, that other guy who is no good… Tony!

I want to start by thanking you guys for totally #@$%ing up the draft. It gave me renewed hope, something I desperately needed. I especially want to thank everyone who bought into this idea that starting pitching wins fantasy leagues. I also want to thank Erik for leading these stupid souls on a path of despair and loneliness by giving them false hope with your array of starting pitchers and back-to-back championship game appearances. Oh you fools…

Here’s to the worst of luck for everyone and may the baseball gods have mercy on your souls in a way that benefits me.

A Few Predictions

90% of the league is going to suck. I won’t tell you who the 10% who isn’t is, but I think you’ve got a good idea who it’s going to be.

We are all going to be mad we didn’t take Alex Gordon in the third round. Consequently, most of you will be mad made you took a pitcher instead.

There will be another steroid scandal in The League this year, but it won’t be the biggest scandal of the year. Yeah, I don’t know what that means either.

Matt Weiters, David Price and Cameron Maybin will all suck this year. The Rookie of the Year Award will go to someone none of us (except for Erik of course) have heard of before.

Jesus Christ will not return to earth during the baseball season.

The Royals will not be out of it by August; the Cardinals will be out of it by late July.

Cole Hamels and Tim Lincecum will each spend time on the DL this season. Lincecum will also fail to pitch in the All-Star Game again this season because he will, again, contract the “flu.”*

*He’ll be too hung-over to pitch.

I will not go on a single date this summer; you can take that to the bank.

The Week In Preview

Inoculators V I’m Bill James, Bitch

General Thought: I own Andrew in matchups that don’t matter.

Specific Thought: I will win by one point, guaranteed.

WTF Thought: Fact: Carrots taste like unsalted, de-moistened, hardened peanuts.

Krunk Smurfs V Viva El Birdos

General Thought: If you really want to know how Jason’s draft went, just see how he ends up at the end of the season. I set the over/under at 3.5 total moves he makes this season.

Specific Thought: Adam’s team is not stacked and, as a result, he will lose to Jason. And Jason sucks, too.

WTF Thought: Would “Lime-Lemon Soda” taste different than “Lemon-Lime Soda”?

San Antonio Saints V Flying Monkeys

General Thought: I’d like Jeff’s team name if he got rid of the “flying” part and replaced it with “Feces Throwing”. Or something to that affect. I do like monkeys, though. Excellent mascot choice.

Specific Thought: I hope Tony pays more attention to this team than he did his basketball team. I fear he won’t. Jeff will win on the grounds that Tony doesn’t realize the season started yet.

WTF Thought: The world would truly be a better place if monkeys could fly. I believe this whole-heartedly.

The Zou V Texas A-Roids

General Thought: The “Texas A-Roids” will here to forth be known as the “Texas A-holes.” One, because I hate the state of Texas, and two, because I’m tired of steroid-related names. And Kyle is a two-time offender of this rule. Change your name A-hole(s).

Specific Thought: The Zou and the A-holes will finish in a tie, because I hate mizzou and Texas equally.

WTF Thought: Which is worse: Being called an “ass” or being called an “asshole”? And if you chose “asshole,” why? Would an “ass” include the asshole in addition to the ugliness around it? Just sayin’…

Rolorado Cockies V Polk County Homer-Hulks

General Thought: Wow, this is a matchup I’d like to avoid thinking about. So, I’ll stop now.

Specific Thought: Kimball’s team mascot picture is the best team mascot picture in all of fantasy.

WFT Thought: Do you think Homer could do equally as good of job at pitching as Sidney Ponson? In addition, I’d like to think he’d be a better golfer than John Daily (though I’m convinced John Daily IS Homer Simpson) and Homer would be a better center than Greg Ostertag. I believe everything I just wrote. Seriously.