Gay.
Documentation of Andrew Wessley’s Fantasy Baseball Team “300” link to steroids has leaked to local press.
Anonymous sources, who asked do remain unidentified because they feared for their lives, produced several documents directly linking Wessley and his team to local steroid dealers.
Wessley refused to comment and has fired his former publicist. A new spokesman for the team did release a statement.
“Oh God, we’re screwed,” said Dip Thong. “We did not think anybody would find this stuff. I don’t know what to say other than we’re [expletive].”
Though actual copies of the documents have yet to be distributed as local authorities sift through the evidence, a short excerpt was given of a recent Instant Message session involving Wessley and the drug dealer.
Wessley, disguised as the name “Chunkythunder372” had this conversation with the dealer:
Chunkythunder372 (11:58:08 PM): have the roids been sent to everyone?
ISELLSTEROIDS39(11:58:59 PM): yes. when do I get paid?
Chunkythunder372 (11:59:11 PM): as soon as I see the results.
ISELLSTEROIDS39 (11:59:49 PM): that wasn’t the deal! you said id get paid after the delivery!
Chunkythinder372 (12:00:13 AM): the deal has changed.
ISELLSTEROIDS39 (12:01:06 AM): I AM NOT A GUY YOU WANT TO MESS WITH!
Chunkythunder372 (12:01:31 AM): shut up Roger Clemons you can’t do [expletive] to me.
Chunkythunder372 (12:01:58AM): i get results. you get paid. we didn’t have this conversation. im out. peace.
While Roger Clemons name was mentioned as the possible dealer, the media has determined there is no way that he did steroids because they didn’t see him do it. Just like Albert Pujols. And though they have not seen Barry Bonds take steroids, they don’t like him because he is black.
Jason Giambi, another individual who admitted to steroid use, said he no longer uses steroids because he is now gay. It is reported he and teammates Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter have had some pretty crazy nights.
However the 300 roster is much different. Journalists Jayson Blair, Jack Kelly, Nada Behziz, Rick Bragg, Lloyd Brown and Fox Butterfield have all testified that they witnessed DH/C Mike Piazza, C/1B Victor Martinez, LF Matt Holliday, RF Bobby Abreu and 3B Eric Chavez all use steroids. DH David Ortiz may have also used steroids, but as Blair said, “We may have accidentally turned our heads when he injected himself, we’re not sure.”
All of this leaves The League creator Ben Nielsen very upset.
“I thought I knew Andrew,” said Nielsen. “I thought I knew what he was about. Then I read those documents and heard what those journalists said. Now…I’m just very hurt.”
It is still uncertain what will happen to Wessley as punishment. A likely punishment will involve shoving a gerbil in Wessley’s ass through a tube and kicking him in the balls several times as requested by six of the seven The League owners.
The only person to not vote for one of those two options was Wessley, who was a pansy (sorry for the dis on your team Joel) and chose to be fined.
What he did not take into account was that the amount of the fine was not set. He should expect a large bill from Southwest Baptist University in the summer.
More information on Wessley’s cheating is expected over the coming weeks. As for now, the whole nation of Fantasy Baseball is cheering for the Smurfs and in deep mourning for the Blackhawks being had.
POWER RANKINGS
Last week’s results shook up the power rankings this week, resulting in a new number one.
1) Krunk Smurfs – Gay name. Good team. I’m not even mad, I’m impressed.
2) The Tones – No offense (only The Zou scored fewer offensive points) but INSANE pitching. Better hope none of your starters have off days.
3) Blackhawks – I feel cheated.
4) KC – Here only because you won and because your sister is hot.
5) Schilbies – *Sniff* *Sniff* … It smells like pansies in here.
THIS SPOT IS KIMBALL
7) The Zou – Will they break 100 this week? Stay tuned. Or, just, don’t pay attention.
8) 300 – CHEATER, CHEATER! Clap, Clap, ClapClapClap. CHEATER, CHEATER!
STATISTICAL ANALYSIS SHOWS THE ZOU SUCKS IN WEEK ONE
Top 3 Scoring Teams
Smurfs – 333 points
Tones – 313 points
Cheaters/BF/300 – 275.5* points
Bottom 3 Scoring Teams
The Zou - 74.5^ points
KIMBALL – 189.5 points
Schilbies/Pansies – 202.5 points
^ The computer gave varied results. Apparently, the system was not made to calculate scores that low.
Top 3 Best Days
Smurfs – 105 points on April 7
Tones – 92.5 on April 1
Cheaters/BF/300 – 86.5* on April 4
Top 3 Worst Days
The Zou – minus-15 on April 6
Schilbies/Pansies – minus-11 on April 8
Smurfs – minus-2.5 on April 5
THE ULTIMATE WEEK ONE LINE-UP
Each week I will give you the “fantasy” line-up of the week of the players who did the best at their position over the course of the week. This consists of all players on every roster and on the free agent and waiver market. All of these points are through Saturday’s games.
C Brian McCann (Blackhawks) – 21 points
Back-up: Paul Lo Duca (KIMBALL) 18 points
1B Todd Helton (Tones) 26 points
Back-up: Mike Jacobs (FA) 23 points
2B Marcus Giles (300) 22 points
Back-up: Orlando Hudson (FA) 21 points
3B Miguel Cabrera (Schilbies) 42 points
Back-up: Alex Rodriguez (Smurfs) 34 points
SS Jose Reyes (300) 33 points
Back-up: Jimmy Rollins (Smurfs) 32 points
LF Adam Dunn (Tones) 30 points
Back-up: David DeJesus (KC), Josh Willingham (Smurfs) 18 points
CF Eric Byrnes (Schilbies) 35 points
Back-up: Carlos Beltran (Smurfs) 29 points
RF Vladimir Guerrero (KC) 43 points
Back-up: Bobby Abreu (300), Mark De Rosa (KC) 20 points
DH Frank Thomas (Smurfs) 21 points
Back-up: Travis Hafner (KC) 16 points
Starting Pitchers
1) Felix Hernandez (Tones) 54 points
2) Dontrelle Willis (Blackhawks) 53 points
3) John Lacky (Schilbies) 48 points
4) Roy Oswalt (300) 46 points
5) Ted Lily (KC), Dice-K (Tones) 45 points
Back-ups
Aaron Harang (Smurfs) 44 points, Jason Hirsh (FA) and Rich Hill (FA) 41 points
Relief Pitchers
1) Bobby Jenks (Blackhawks) 31 points
2) Solomon Torres (FA/300) 26 points
Back-ups
Bob Wickman (FA) 25 points, Mariano Rivera (Tones) 24 points
Starters Week and Season Totals
300 (4), Tones (3), Schilbies (3), Blackhawks (3), KC (2), Smurfs (1), FA (1)
Back-ups Week and Season Totals
FA (5), Smurfs (5), KC (3), 300 (1), Tones (1), KIMBALL (1)
OTHER STUFF…COMING SOON…MAYBE
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