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PAP Meter: Pujols: “I am John.”

It is 11:22 PM (Monday night) and I am staring at the scoreboard of our fantasy baseball league in horror. I have a 56 point spot (minus Suppan’s win and quality start and Fogg’s, more than likely, loss) on Joel. One problem: Joel has a 40 spot going .

Here is why I am nervous. Joel has scored SIX offensive points today. Six. Yet Lackey’s gift start versus the Royals and a random 1.5 points from Heath Bell makes Joel’s really bad day into a pretty good one.

Looking at Joel’s Probable Starter list, you will see the following:
John Lackey @ KC
Justin Verlander @ KC
John Smoltz vs LAD
Andy Pettitte @ Tex
Kyle Lohse @ Hou
Mike Maroth @ KC
John Lackey vs CWS
Mark Buehrle @ LAA

Consider the following:
KC’s offense sucks. Houston’s offense sucks. Chicago’s offense is in a TERRIBLE slump. Texas has been no-hit this year. LAAAAA is a one of the most inconsistent offenses in baseball. It is feasible Joel could score 500 points with his pitching this week. This would send me to 0-5. That would send me into depression. That would lead me to transfer from SBU.

Wait…

GO SCHILB!

Ultimate Lineup

Catcher - Joe Mauer, 31, Schilbies
Backup - Victor Martinez, 29, 300

1B – Todd Helton, 38, Tones
Backup – Kevin Youkilis, 27, FA

2B – Chase Utley, 39, PM
Backup – Kelly Johnson, 30, R-C

3B – B.J. Upton, 29, FA
Backup – Mike Lowell, 27, 300

SS – Alex Gonzalez, 39, FA
Backup – Jimmy Rollins, 36, Smurfs

LF – Barry Bonds, 45, R-C
Backup – Carl Crawford, 28, Zou

CF – Vernon Wells, 37, PM
Backup – Aaron Rowand, 35, FA

RF – Magglio Ordonez, 49, PM
Backup – Sammy Sosa, 35, FA

DH – David Ortiz, 27, 300
Backup – Frank Thomas, 25, Smurfs

Starting Pitching
1 Dan Haren, 67, Zou
2 John Maine, 64, Zou
3 Aaron Harang, 56, Smurfs
4 Jake Peavy, 53, KC
5 Chad Durbin (FA) and Bartolo Colon (Zou), 48

Backups
1 Roy Halladay, 46, Smurfs
2 James Shields, 45, Zou

Relief Pitching
1 Brandon Morrow, 32, FA
2 Al Reyes, 31, Tones

Backups
1 Armando Benitez, 27, FA
2 J.J. Putz, 26, FA

WEEK THREE AND WEEK FOUR REVIEW

Most of you won (except for Shilb…YESSSSSSS!) except for me. What I do not understand is how the Pansies can be so terrible. I mean, what do you have to do to be that bad? Next thing you know, he’s going to do some ridiculous thing like only score 49 points in one week. I don’t think that is possible though, even for a team as terrible as the Schilbies. Geez, he sucks.

ANYWAY, here are the standings through the first month of the season:

Kansas City

Smurfs 4-0 – Where would you be without AROD? Nowhere! Hear that? Nowhere!
300* 3-1 – 1-1 against teams who are not 0-4. Should be 0-2 but he cheated.
Zou 2-2 – I remember the 2003 Tigers losing games they way you lost to 300*.
R-C 0-4 – Undeniably the best 0-4 team in the history of fantasy baseball.

Gay Louis

Tones 4-0 – I’d like to see you beat a team that scores more than 49 points. Overrated.
KC 2-2 – Don’t have much here…so…you suck.
PM 1-3 – Better name. Crappy record.
Pansies 0-4 – You must be taking the same kind of steroids the Royals are taking.

As you can see, everyone has played four games. It is very clear that this is true.

GAY LOUIS VERSUS KANSAS CITY

At the one month mark, the Royals are CLEARLY better than the Gay Louis Cardinals. For proof, here is a statistical analysis:

GL has Albert Pujols. Point Royals.
GL has Jim Edmonds. Point Royals.
GL has Scott Rolen. Point Royals.

(as you can see, the Royals are winning 3-0)

KC has a bullpen. Point GL.
GL HAD (until it died) a bullpen. Point Royals.

(4-1)

GL is 10-14 while KC is 8-18. Equivalency meter says the Royals are 18-8 in the NL Central and GL is 5-19. HUGE point Royals.

Royals win 5-1.

Cardinals suck.

10th Post Celebration, Week Two Review, Week Three Preview, Ultimate Lineup, Power Rankings, Stats, Venting, Pujols the Tool, Ballots, Other Stuff

Seriously, this is freaking amazing.




PAP Meter – “Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.”

This is the 10th post of the League Blog. Let’s look back at some of the more fine moments of our illustrious blog’s history.

300* Steroids Scandal – Remember way back in Week One when 300 was charged with knowingly allowing players to use steroids? Whatever happened with that anyway? Man, how time flies and you just forget things.

Week One Predictions – I was 3 for 4 that week. Freaking steroids cost me a perfect start more ways that one.

Pujols Sucks – Remember that time when I was so nerdy and pissed off I wrote an entire thing about how Pujols is having the worst start of his career and how it was negatively affecting my team? Wow, that was way back in the day when I was sarcastic and negative.

Left Fielder – LEFT FIELDERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kimball – [this spot is empty on purpose]

When The Zou Equaled the 2003 Tigers – Hey, even the they won, like, 43 games or something.

Smurfin’ Smurfs – Gay name. But 105 points in one day? Holy Crap. (For the record, the Tones had a 114 point day last week)

King Felix - Nice pick up Tony. Piece (o’ crap).

Royals Rule – Remember that time when the Royals were 1-0? And the Cardinals started 0-3. Those were good times.

As you can see, we have been through a lot these last ten posts. Who knows how many rough looking, tattooed, nappy-headed hos will lose championship games in the next ten posts.

WEEK TWO REVIEW

What was supposed to be the “Match-up of the Week” turned into the second-biggest blowout of the week.

The culprit? 300* relief pitching. Even with Ultimate Lineup star Josh Beckett notching in 45.5 points this week, the pitching for 300 amassed a total of 7.5 points. Yikes. This performance led to the ultimate demise of 300 and gave the Smurfs an easy win.

Key in Review – Starting Pitching: Turned out to be relief pitching, but it was still pitching just the same.

Picks to Not Suck – JD Drew, Smurfs and Andruw Jones, 300: Jones had 24 points and Drew only had 11 Abs due to rainouts and such.

Prediction – Smurfs over 300: Me = 4 for 5 on predictions so far.

Other Games

Tones vs KC

Picks to Not Suck – Ichiro Suzuki, Tones and Derek Lee, KC: Ichiro = 6 points in 13 Abs, Lee = Umm….he sucked.

Prediction – Tones over KC: 5 for 6 thank you.

Schilbies vs Team Kimball/Pez-Eaters

Picks to Not Suck – Ryan Howard, PEZ and Miguel Cabrera, Schilbies: Howard = 8 Abs and 28 points…I’d say that’s good. Cabrera = 21 points. Well, he didn’t suck.

Prediction – Schilbies over PEZ: 5 for 7. Stupid Eating of Pez.

Blackhawks vs The Zou

Picks to Not Suck – Mark Teahen, Zou and David Wright, Blackhawks: Teahen = 7 Ks, -8 points…ouch. Wright = 14 points in 10 Abs. I’ll take that…though Atkins had 29. Would have rather had that.

Prediction – Blackhawks over Zou: 5 for 8. No comment.

WEEK THREE PREVIEW

There are two reasons why Springfield (or Springfeild as he spells it) KC verses Columbia Schilies will be the best match-up of the week:

1) Vlad Guerrero is going to be pissed off this week.
2) There is really no other decent match-up this week.

SO… without further adu, here is the breakdown of the Schilbies versus KC game.

KC has the definite lineup edge in this match. Three names for KC: Vlad Guerrero, Travis Hafner and Carlos Delgado. Rafael Frucal also returns from the DL this week, which makes his like up that much better. Now if he only had a better third baseman…

While pitching has not been his strong point, KC still holds the edge over the Schilbies with starters like Jake Peavy, Ted Lily and closer Bob Wickman. The Pansies do have John Lacky and John Smoltz to go with Justin Verlander, but all three of them have not been enough to get strong performances out of the pitching staff. Then again, the Pansies just got rid of Barry Zito…I take that back, the Schilbies have the edge in pitching.

What all of this is going to come down to is the Pansies seeing an upgrade in pitching performance or KC getting the consistency he needs out of his lineup. Whoever does that better is going to walk away with the win this week.

W2W4: Rain outs. He who plays get the chance to score points. He who does not, roots for the other guy to lose points.

Picks to Not Suck: Carlos Delgado, KC and Miguel Cabrera, Schilbies

Prediction: KC over Schilbies. I need someone to go 0-3 with my Schilb. Make me proud.

Other Games

Krunk Smurfs vs Blackhawks

W2W4: A name change from the Blackhawks this week.
Picks to Not Suck: Alex Rodriguez, Smurfs and Manny Ramirez, Blackhawks
Prediction: Smurfs all kinds of over Blackhawks

Pez-Eaters vs Tones

W2W4: This match-up could get interesting. Well, at least until Felix Hernandez pitches.
Picks to Not Suck: Felix Hernandez, Tones and Chase Utley, Pez
Prediction: Felix Hernandez over Pez

The Zou vs 300*

W2W4: Neither are playing me, thus, they will suck.
Picks to Not Suck: They will all suck.
Prediction: 300* over Zou, 102.5 - 87

ULTIMATE LINEUP

C Russell Martin (Tones) 25 points
Backup Kenji Johjima (Smurfs) 20 points

1B Ryan Howard (PEZ) 28 points
Backup Justin Mourneau 27 points

2B Rickie Weeks (Smurfs) 37 points
Backup Ian Kinsler (Tones) 36 points

3B Adrian Beltre (FA) 33 points
Backups Chipper Jones (PEZ), Alex Rodriguez (Smurfs), Garrett Atkins (Blackhawks) 29 points

SS Aaron Hill (FA) 29 points
Backups Carlos Guillen (Tones), Jose Reyes (300) 35 points
LF Carlos Lee (Zou) 27 points
Backup Barry Bonds (Blackhawks) 26 points

CF Kenny Lofton (FA), Grady Siezmore (Zou) 28 points
Backup Andruw Jones (300) 24 points

RF Alex Rios (Smurfs) 29 points
Backup Delmon Young (Zou) 25 points

DH Kevin Millar (FA) 30 points
Backup Jim Thome (Tones) 22 points

Starting Pitchers
1) C.C. Sabathia (Zou) 70 points
2) Kyle Lohse (FA) 65 points
3) Tim Hudson (Zou) 58 points
4) Felix Hernandez (Tones) 55 points
5) Josh Beckett (300) 46 points

Backups
Andy Pettitte (Schilbies) 43 points, Ted Lily (KC) and Nate Robinson (Tones) 38 points

Relief Pitchers
1) Bradon Looper (FA) 39 points
2) David Aardsma (FA) 36 points

Backups
Chris Ray (Smurfs) 35 points, Al Reyes (FA) and Francisco Cordero (Tones) 34 points

Week and Season Totals for Ultimate Lineup Starters
FA 7 (8), Zou 4 (4), Tones 2 (5), Smurfs 2 (3), PEZ 1 (1), 300 1 (5)

Week and Season Totals for Ultimate Lineup Backups
Tones 5 (6), Smurfs 3 (8), Zou 2 (2), Blackhawks 2 (2), 300 2 (3), FA 1 (6), PEZ 1 (1), Schilbies 1 (1), KC 1 (4)

STATS AND THINGS

Umm…all these numbers say I am cursed. That’s all that they mean. Oh, and these numbers are from ESPN. That is why they look weird and are, more than likely wrong.

Top 3 Total Points For (Season)
1) Tones (872.5)
2) KC (639)
3) Smurfs (582.5)

Top 3 Points Against (Season)
1) KC (740)
2) Blackhawks (696.5)
3) Schilbies (583)

Top 3 Best Scoring Days (Season)
1) Tones 114 April 11
2) Smurfs 105 April 7
3) The Zou 95 April 15

Top 3 Worst Scoring Days (Season)
1) The Zou minus-15 April 6
2) 300* minus-13.5 April 11
3) Blackhawks minus-13 April 15

POWER RANKINGS

OOOOOHHHHHHHH we have a new number one!

1) Anybody playing the Blackhawks. This week – the Krunk Smurfs. “Wait,” you say. “They were number one last week.” To this I say…nothing. I’m an idiot.

2) Tones – King Felix rules for the Tones

3) Pez-Eaters – Good pick-ups lead to big jump.

4) KC – Rainouts hurt him last week.

5) 300 – Not so easy when you lay off the ‘roids for a week is it?

6) The Zou – Even the 2003 Tigers won games. Don’t get used to the winning feeling.

7) Blackhawks – And I won’t be getting used to the winning feeling either…

8) Schilbies – Somehow, your team is worse than mine. How? I don’t know. Maybe next week…

VENTING MOMENT OF THE DAY

There are very few things more satisfying than deflating your enemy without having to say a single word.

PUJOLS THE TOOL

Pujols line: 2-5, 2 HR, 5 RBI, 2 runs, K

Could have used that out put a few times this week…thanks Tool.

Then he says that he has been dealing with a sore oblique...once again, Tool.

OVER/UNDER BALLOTS

There is still time to submit your over / under ballot. Either leave it as a comment on the blog or on the league page.

The categories are on the last post.

DO IT NOW…please?

By the way, thanks Tony for your submission and your guess at the amount of my awards I would get.

OTHER STUFF

If I get around to it…

Evidence Against 300, Power Rankings, Statistical Mini-Breakdown, Ultimate Line-up, Other stuff...maybe

Gay.

Documentation of Andrew Wessley’s Fantasy Baseball Team “300” link to steroids has leaked to local press.

Anonymous sources, who asked do remain unidentified because they feared for their lives, produced several documents directly linking Wessley and his team to local steroid dealers.

Wessley refused to comment and has fired his former publicist. A new spokesman for the team did release a statement.

“Oh God, we’re screwed,” said Dip Thong. “We did not think anybody would find this stuff. I don’t know what to say other than we’re [expletive].”

Though actual copies of the documents have yet to be distributed as local authorities sift through the evidence, a short excerpt was given of a recent Instant Message session involving Wessley and the drug dealer.

Wessley, disguised as the name “Chunkythunder372” had this conversation with the dealer:

Chunkythunder372 (11:58:08 PM): have the roids been sent to everyone?

ISELLSTEROIDS39(11:58:59 PM): yes. when do I get paid?

Chunkythunder372 (11:59:11 PM): as soon as I see the results.

ISELLSTEROIDS39 (11:59:49 PM): that wasn’t the deal! you said id get paid after the delivery!

Chunkythinder372 (12:00:13 AM): the deal has changed.

ISELLSTEROIDS39 (12:01:06 AM): I AM NOT A GUY YOU WANT TO MESS WITH!

Chunkythunder372 (12:01:31 AM): shut up Roger Clemons you can’t do [expletive] to me.

Chunkythunder372 (12:01:58AM): i get results. you get paid. we didn’t have this conversation. im out. peace.

While Roger Clemons name was mentioned as the possible dealer, the media has determined there is no way that he did steroids because they didn’t see him do it. Just like Albert Pujols. And though they have not seen Barry Bonds take steroids, they don’t like him because he is black.

Jason Giambi, another individual who admitted to steroid use, said he no longer uses steroids because he is now gay. It is reported he and teammates Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter have had some pretty crazy nights.

However the 300 roster is much different. Journalists Jayson Blair, Jack Kelly, Nada Behziz, Rick Bragg, Lloyd Brown and Fox Butterfield have all testified that they witnessed DH/C Mike Piazza, C/1B Victor Martinez, LF Matt Holliday, RF Bobby Abreu and 3B Eric Chavez all use steroids. DH David Ortiz may have also used steroids, but as Blair said, “We may have accidentally turned our heads when he injected himself, we’re not sure.”

All of this leaves The League creator Ben Nielsen very upset.

“I thought I knew Andrew,” said Nielsen. “I thought I knew what he was about. Then I read those documents and heard what those journalists said. Now…I’m just very hurt.”

It is still uncertain what will happen to Wessley as punishment. A likely punishment will involve shoving a gerbil in Wessley’s ass through a tube and kicking him in the balls several times as requested by six of the seven The League owners.

The only person to not vote for one of those two options was Wessley, who was a pansy (sorry for the dis on your team Joel) and chose to be fined.

What he did not take into account was that the amount of the fine was not set. He should expect a large bill from Southwest Baptist University in the summer.

More information on Wessley’s cheating is expected over the coming weeks. As for now, the whole nation of Fantasy Baseball is cheering for the Smurfs and in deep mourning for the Blackhawks being had.

POWER RANKINGS

Last week’s results shook up the power rankings this week, resulting in a new number one.

1) Krunk Smurfs – Gay name. Good team. I’m not even mad, I’m impressed.

2) The Tones – No offense (only The Zou scored fewer offensive points) but INSANE pitching. Better hope none of your starters have off days.

3) Blackhawks – I feel cheated.

4) KC – Here only because you won and because your sister is hot.

5) Schilbies – *Sniff* *Sniff* … It smells like pansies in here.

THIS SPOT IS KIMBALL

7) The Zou – Will they break 100 this week? Stay tuned. Or, just, don’t pay attention.

8) 300 – CHEATER, CHEATER! Clap, Clap, ClapClapClap. CHEATER, CHEATER!

STATISTICAL ANALYSIS SHOWS THE ZOU SUCKS IN WEEK ONE

Top 3 Scoring Teams
Smurfs – 333 points
Tones – 313 points
Cheaters/BF/300 – 275.5* points

Bottom 3 Scoring Teams
The Zou - 74.5^ points
KIMBALL – 189.5 points
Schilbies/Pansies – 202.5 points

^ The computer gave varied results. Apparently, the system was not made to calculate scores that low.

Top 3 Best Days
Smurfs – 105 points on April 7
Tones – 92.5 on April 1
Cheaters/BF/300 – 86.5* on April 4

Top 3 Worst Days
The Zou – minus-15 on April 6
Schilbies/Pansies – minus-11 on April 8
Smurfs – minus-2.5 on April 5

THE ULTIMATE WEEK ONE LINE-UP

Each week I will give you the “fantasy” line-up of the week of the players who did the best at their position over the course of the week. This consists of all players on every roster and on the free agent and waiver market. All of these points are through Saturday’s games.

C Brian McCann (Blackhawks) – 21 points
Back-up: Paul Lo Duca (KIMBALL) 18 points

1B Todd Helton (Tones) 26 points
Back-up: Mike Jacobs (FA) 23 points

2B Marcus Giles (300) 22 points
Back-up: Orlando Hudson (FA) 21 points

3B Miguel Cabrera (Schilbies) 42 points
Back-up: Alex Rodriguez (Smurfs) 34 points

SS Jose Reyes (300) 33 points
Back-up: Jimmy Rollins (Smurfs) 32 points

LF Adam Dunn (Tones) 30 points
Back-up: David DeJesus (KC), Josh Willingham (Smurfs) 18 points

CF Eric Byrnes (Schilbies) 35 points
Back-up: Carlos Beltran (Smurfs) 29 points

RF Vladimir Guerrero (KC) 43 points
Back-up: Bobby Abreu (300), Mark De Rosa (KC) 20 points

DH Frank Thomas (Smurfs) 21 points
Back-up: Travis Hafner (KC) 16 points

Starting Pitchers
1) Felix Hernandez (Tones) 54 points
2) Dontrelle Willis (Blackhawks) 53 points
3) John Lacky (Schilbies) 48 points
4) Roy Oswalt (300) 46 points
5) Ted Lily (KC), Dice-K (Tones) 45 points

Back-ups
Aaron Harang (Smurfs) 44 points, Jason Hirsh (FA) and Rich Hill (FA) 41 points

Relief Pitchers
1) Bobby Jenks (Blackhawks) 31 points
2) Solomon Torres (FA/300) 26 points

Back-ups
Bob Wickman (FA) 25 points, Mariano Rivera (Tones) 24 points

Starters Week and Season Totals
300 (4), Tones (3), Schilbies (3), Blackhawks (3), KC (2), Smurfs (1), FA (1)

Back-ups Week and Season Totals
FA (5), Smurfs (5), KC (3), 300 (1), Tones (1), KIMBALL (1)

OTHER STUFF…COMING SOON…MAYBE