What? A Blog? No way...

PAP Meter: Pujols: “I am John.”

It is 11:22 PM (Monday night) and I am staring at the scoreboard of our fantasy baseball league in horror. I have a 56 point spot (minus Suppan’s win and quality start and Fogg’s, more than likely, loss) on Joel. One problem: Joel has a 40 spot going .

Here is why I am nervous. Joel has scored SIX offensive points today. Six. Yet Lackey’s gift start versus the Royals and a random 1.5 points from Heath Bell makes Joel’s really bad day into a pretty good one.

Looking at Joel’s Probable Starter list, you will see the following:
John Lackey @ KC
Justin Verlander @ KC
John Smoltz vs LAD
Andy Pettitte @ Tex
Kyle Lohse @ Hou
Mike Maroth @ KC
John Lackey vs CWS
Mark Buehrle @ LAA

Consider the following:
KC’s offense sucks. Houston’s offense sucks. Chicago’s offense is in a TERRIBLE slump. Texas has been no-hit this year. LAAAAA is a one of the most inconsistent offenses in baseball. It is feasible Joel could score 500 points with his pitching this week. This would send me to 0-5. That would send me into depression. That would lead me to transfer from SBU.

Wait…

GO SCHILB!

Ultimate Lineup

Catcher - Joe Mauer, 31, Schilbies
Backup - Victor Martinez, 29, 300

1B – Todd Helton, 38, Tones
Backup – Kevin Youkilis, 27, FA

2B – Chase Utley, 39, PM
Backup – Kelly Johnson, 30, R-C

3B – B.J. Upton, 29, FA
Backup – Mike Lowell, 27, 300

SS – Alex Gonzalez, 39, FA
Backup – Jimmy Rollins, 36, Smurfs

LF – Barry Bonds, 45, R-C
Backup – Carl Crawford, 28, Zou

CF – Vernon Wells, 37, PM
Backup – Aaron Rowand, 35, FA

RF – Magglio Ordonez, 49, PM
Backup – Sammy Sosa, 35, FA

DH – David Ortiz, 27, 300
Backup – Frank Thomas, 25, Smurfs

Starting Pitching
1 Dan Haren, 67, Zou
2 John Maine, 64, Zou
3 Aaron Harang, 56, Smurfs
4 Jake Peavy, 53, KC
5 Chad Durbin (FA) and Bartolo Colon (Zou), 48

Backups
1 Roy Halladay, 46, Smurfs
2 James Shields, 45, Zou

Relief Pitching
1 Brandon Morrow, 32, FA
2 Al Reyes, 31, Tones

Backups
1 Armando Benitez, 27, FA
2 J.J. Putz, 26, FA

WEEK THREE AND WEEK FOUR REVIEW

Most of you won (except for Shilb…YESSSSSSS!) except for me. What I do not understand is how the Pansies can be so terrible. I mean, what do you have to do to be that bad? Next thing you know, he’s going to do some ridiculous thing like only score 49 points in one week. I don’t think that is possible though, even for a team as terrible as the Schilbies. Geez, he sucks.

ANYWAY, here are the standings through the first month of the season:

Kansas City

Smurfs 4-0 – Where would you be without AROD? Nowhere! Hear that? Nowhere!
300* 3-1 – 1-1 against teams who are not 0-4. Should be 0-2 but he cheated.
Zou 2-2 – I remember the 2003 Tigers losing games they way you lost to 300*.
R-C 0-4 – Undeniably the best 0-4 team in the history of fantasy baseball.

Gay Louis

Tones 4-0 – I’d like to see you beat a team that scores more than 49 points. Overrated.
KC 2-2 – Don’t have much here…so…you suck.
PM 1-3 – Better name. Crappy record.
Pansies 0-4 – You must be taking the same kind of steroids the Royals are taking.

As you can see, everyone has played four games. It is very clear that this is true.

GAY LOUIS VERSUS KANSAS CITY

At the one month mark, the Royals are CLEARLY better than the Gay Louis Cardinals. For proof, here is a statistical analysis:

GL has Albert Pujols. Point Royals.
GL has Jim Edmonds. Point Royals.
GL has Scott Rolen. Point Royals.

(as you can see, the Royals are winning 3-0)

KC has a bullpen. Point GL.
GL HAD (until it died) a bullpen. Point Royals.

(4-1)

GL is 10-14 while KC is 8-18. Equivalency meter says the Royals are 18-8 in the NL Central and GL is 5-19. HUGE point Royals.

Royals win 5-1.

Cardinals suck.

Mid-Week Power Rankings, Royals Still Rule, Cardinals Get Lucky, Trade Reviews, Other Stuff Too...Wow, these headlines get kinda long don't they? Geez

I now know why AROD and Griffey wanted out of Seattle so badly...Or they were just afraid of the realization they were coming too. Either one works here. Also, my appoligies for not being able to come up with a witty "Buhner is gay" joke or something to that extent. And what is with the long caption to this picture anyway? On to the BLOG!

A miricle happened yesterday. No, The Zou did not break fifty points. The Cardinals actually won a baseball game. I assume it was on accident. Wake me up when they actually beat somebody good, like, say, the Tigers or the Red Sox or something to that caliber. 'Till then, I'll be watching the with amazement as Royals starter after Royals starter continues to do better than Chris Carpenter, Carlos Zambrano, Roy Oswalt, Aaron Harang, Ben Sheets and, oh, whoever it is who pitches for the Pirates. Ian Snell I guess????

Well, maybe not ALL of those guys. But for sure WAY better than Chris Carpenter. Way better. I guess Zambrano can almost equal Carpenter's crappiness. Just ask BF/300. But just almost.

TRADE REVIEWS THAT HAVE ALREADY BEEN DONE. NOW I AM COMING UP WITH MORE WORDS TO CONTINUE THE TREND OF UNNECESSARILY LONG TITLES, HEADLINES AND CAPTIONS. I THINK THIS WILL DO NOW. NOW, ON TO THE POINTS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN UNDER THE HEADLINE!

There have been precisely THREE trades in the opening week of the season. This is not a bad number really. It is my duty to rip all three of these trades to shreds and tell you who was the "Winner" and who was the "Idiot" (Ha! you were expecting "loser" there weren't ya?). We will dissect these trades chronologically (You know, for a guy who wants to write for a living, I sure can't spell. I've already used the "Spell Check" five times. I suck.).

TRADE #1: BF/300 sends SS Edgar Renteria and CF Tori Hunter to the "I Need a New Name" Schilbies for LF Matt Holliday and 1B Kevin Youkilis

This trade was done out of necessity. Both BF/300 and , um, lets call them....the Pansies (for both the cheesy attempt at using his name in the team name and general, well, pansiness) failed to draft specific players for specific positions.

BF/300 is the obvious winner of this trade. I'd be surprised to see either Hunter or Renteria in the Pansies line-up come the end of the month. While Youkilis is going to have to be replaced at some point by BF/300, Holliday will put up huge numbers for him coming off the bench or in a starting role, using the thin air of Colorado to pad his stats.

Rule #1: Never trade a productive player from Colorado unless you are getting a high return for him or the franchise is temporarily moving their home games to Kansas for some inexplicable reason.

TRADE #2: Tones trade RF/LF Nick Markakis to the 2005 Royals (aka The Zou) for 3B Troy Glaus

This was a "depth" trade for the Tones. The trade gave the Tones a 3B to back up Ryan Zimmerman while defending NL batting champion Freddy Sanchez sits on the DL.

Markakis, honestly, does nothing for the 2003 Tigers (aka The Zou). The have more holes than, well, I can't think of anything that has more holes than the Zou. Man, The Zou sucks.

Winner: None.
Loser: None. Well, assuming you are not talking about how bad the Zou is , but that is a different subject.
Final Judgement: Push, with an edge to the Tones because of the depth issue.

TRADE #3: The Pansies send 2B Jeff Kent, 2B Robinson Cano and OF Maglio Ordonez to the Blackhawks for 2B Brian Roberts and SP Anibal Sanchez, Blackhawks release Curtis Granderson.

This trade is sort of goofy and has half of the Leagues second baseman in it. The Pansies upgrade the spot by putting the pre-season second-rated second baseman in his line-up and adds a decent backup pitcher to his rotation. He also gained a free roster spot in the trade.

The Blackhawks gain a better Fantasy RF to replace Ryan Freel and help clean up the chaos that is the Blackhawks' starting pitching rotation by taking a name out of the mix. They also gain options at what to do at second base and add trade pieces for possible, may near future, deals.

Overall, the Winner here has to be the Pansies because of the huge upgrade he made in his blackhole of an infield. It now seems to be stabilizing.

The future will tell if the Blackhawks were idiots in this trade. If the secondbase position remains stable and Ordonez proves to be more productive than Freel, than you cannot consider this a terrible trade. Maybe , at the most, a questionable one, but definitely not a terrible one.

Final Verdict: To be determined...

MID-WEEK POWER RANKINGS...AND OTHER WORDS TOO

Rankings, and one thought per team:

1) Tones - If the pitching stays continues to be what it has been (through a whoping one start each) this team will be near unbeatable.

2) Smurfs/Blue Bats (SBU prevents me from using the word "Balls" here...) - Imagine how good they would be if they had a LEFT FIELDERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

3) Blackhawks - I...I...I just don't know what to say here. I suck.

4) KC - I will not make a joke about making out with his sister. I will not make a joke about making out with his sister. I will not make a joke about making out with his sister... So...umm...yeah...How's school goin'?...I WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH YOUR SISTER! Crap. I suck at self-control. Good thing I'm not staying at his house this weekend. Wait......

5) Schilb/Panies - Dude, get a new name, you move up a spot or two. That's all I ask.

THIS SPOT IS KIMBALL

7) The Zou/Suckfest - At their worst, they are the 2003 Tigers. At their best, they are the 2005 Royals. This only furthers the stereotype that anybody associated with the University of Missouri has no idea how to run a program.

8) BF/300 - Don't wanna comment on the BLOG? Gonna try to beat me this week? Then this is where you end up Momma's Basement Boy.

OTHER THINGS YOU SHOULD READ WHILE YOU HAVE THE TIME. iF YOU DON'T THEN YOU WILL BE CURSED, JUST AS THE ZOU HAS BEEN CURSED. OR YOU WILL JUST BE DUMB. SOMETHING LIKE THAT. JUST CLICK THE LINKS.

If you haven't gotten the point yet, start paying attention...

Yes, awkward...

I don't know if I like this or MLB.TV...

Blue Springs Props...

Speaking of Buhner...

I don't know if I like this new change in the Bowling world, but what do I know?

Cards suck, Royals win, Florida and The Zou May Break Zero Points by Week 17

Bonds: "So, they haven't caught you either?"

Pujols: "It's amazing what being nice to the media will do for you."

Let me begin this post by saying the following: Always save your work as you go.

With that said, the Cardinals suck.

The Cardinals lost again Tuesday night to the Mets 4-1. The Mets have now taken a 5-4 lead in the NLCS.

StL is now 0-2 and on pace to lose every game for all of eternity as a curse for winning the World Series when they shouldn't have. I think it is safe to say the Cardinals sold their soul to the devil last year. Isn't it obvious at this point?

Hey Joel, you don't have to worry about Carpenter losing you 30 points on Friday.

ROYALS RULE!

Enough about sucky teams, lets talk about the Royals! Alex Gordon went 5-5, hitting for the Home Run cycle, Ryan Shealy tripled four times and David DeJESUS stole nine bases en rout to a 70.5- minus 7 win over the Boston Red Sox Monday. Oh, wait, that was just the score to the Krunk Smurfs/The Zou Fantasy baseball match-up this week. My bad.

In real life, Gil Meche threw 7-plus innings of 1 run ball to give the Royals a 7-1 win. It was their best Opening Day win since 1979 according to Joe Posnanski.

I'm not going to lie, I debated crying at certain points of that game. Specifically when a ground ball was hit to the shortstop and I remembered there is no reason to panic anymore. Then there was Meche's standing ovation as he was taken out of the game and, this time, it was for a good reason. There was also the moment where I thought Gordon was going to go through the begining stages of whatever it is that eventually led Zack Greinke into his depression when Gordon came up to bat with the bases loaded with one out in the first inning. Oh, and I also almost cried when Peralta successfully went through one and two-thirds innings without giving up a run. A ROYALS RELIEF PITCHER ACTUALLY RELIEVED!

I feel decent about this team right now. How can I not? I mean, our starting rotation doesn't involve this guy, this guy, this guy, this guy, this guy, this guy or this guy. Heck, we might as well have this starting rotation.

You should check out what Curt Schilling had to say about his start in his blog.

THE ZOU = MIZZOU

Erik should have realize that when he named himself after the University of Missouri, there was no way he would ever win a championship. How many conference championships has MU won since the creation of the Big 12? The answer to that question is the same as name the number that is a factor of 7. Well, I guess in Erik's case, -7.

Don't worry though Erik, you have six months left to try to get back to zero. I set the over/under at week 17 as the week he gets back to zero.

Or you could try that "Edit Team Name" button on your Team Page. Might be a good idea.

Seriously, The Zou actually has 6.5 points so far, but its a shaky 6.5. What is keeping his head above water is a dominate performance from relief pitcher Jonathan Broxton who struck out the side in his one inning of work. That earned him 10.5 points and is the difference in Erik being in the Black instead of the Red.

Things are not looking to much more promising either. His starting pitcher look as such:

Dan Haren vs LAAAAAAA Angels
Matt Garza vs Chicago White Sox
Scott Olson vs Philadelphia Phillies
Jeremy Sowers vs Chicago White Sox
Derrek Lowe vs San Francisco Giants

His closers, Broxton (@ SF) and Joe Borowski (@ ChiW, SEA) do not look like they will get too many save opportunities either.

Hey, it's a good thing he didn't have Carpenter, Schilling or Zambrano.

I'VE BEEN TOLD I'M TOO NEGATIVE SO I HAVE TO WRITE THIS

Congrats to Florida for beating Ohio State (again) to take the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship (again) Monday night.

It has been said that they are in a dead heat with Ohio State for an Oscar. I wonder who will win...

OTHER STUFF

I think Andrew got gypped on his MLB.TV thing...

GO CBS!

So bad, so wrong, so want to do it...

Damn NFL...

Ouch.

Oh NHL...