Evidence Against 300, Power Rankings, Statistical Mini-Breakdown, Ultimate Line-up, Other stuff...maybe

Gay.

Documentation of Andrew Wessley’s Fantasy Baseball Team “300” link to steroids has leaked to local press.

Anonymous sources, who asked do remain unidentified because they feared for their lives, produced several documents directly linking Wessley and his team to local steroid dealers.

Wessley refused to comment and has fired his former publicist. A new spokesman for the team did release a statement.

“Oh God, we’re screwed,” said Dip Thong. “We did not think anybody would find this stuff. I don’t know what to say other than we’re [expletive].”

Though actual copies of the documents have yet to be distributed as local authorities sift through the evidence, a short excerpt was given of a recent Instant Message session involving Wessley and the drug dealer.

Wessley, disguised as the name “Chunkythunder372” had this conversation with the dealer:

Chunkythunder372 (11:58:08 PM): have the roids been sent to everyone?

ISELLSTEROIDS39(11:58:59 PM): yes. when do I get paid?

Chunkythunder372 (11:59:11 PM): as soon as I see the results.

ISELLSTEROIDS39 (11:59:49 PM): that wasn’t the deal! you said id get paid after the delivery!

Chunkythinder372 (12:00:13 AM): the deal has changed.

ISELLSTEROIDS39 (12:01:06 AM): I AM NOT A GUY YOU WANT TO MESS WITH!

Chunkythunder372 (12:01:31 AM): shut up Roger Clemons you can’t do [expletive] to me.

Chunkythunder372 (12:01:58AM): i get results. you get paid. we didn’t have this conversation. im out. peace.

While Roger Clemons name was mentioned as the possible dealer, the media has determined there is no way that he did steroids because they didn’t see him do it. Just like Albert Pujols. And though they have not seen Barry Bonds take steroids, they don’t like him because he is black.

Jason Giambi, another individual who admitted to steroid use, said he no longer uses steroids because he is now gay. It is reported he and teammates Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter have had some pretty crazy nights.

However the 300 roster is much different. Journalists Jayson Blair, Jack Kelly, Nada Behziz, Rick Bragg, Lloyd Brown and Fox Butterfield have all testified that they witnessed DH/C Mike Piazza, C/1B Victor Martinez, LF Matt Holliday, RF Bobby Abreu and 3B Eric Chavez all use steroids. DH David Ortiz may have also used steroids, but as Blair said, “We may have accidentally turned our heads when he injected himself, we’re not sure.”

All of this leaves The League creator Ben Nielsen very upset.

“I thought I knew Andrew,” said Nielsen. “I thought I knew what he was about. Then I read those documents and heard what those journalists said. Now…I’m just very hurt.”

It is still uncertain what will happen to Wessley as punishment. A likely punishment will involve shoving a gerbil in Wessley’s ass through a tube and kicking him in the balls several times as requested by six of the seven The League owners.

The only person to not vote for one of those two options was Wessley, who was a pansy (sorry for the dis on your team Joel) and chose to be fined.

What he did not take into account was that the amount of the fine was not set. He should expect a large bill from Southwest Baptist University in the summer.

More information on Wessley’s cheating is expected over the coming weeks. As for now, the whole nation of Fantasy Baseball is cheering for the Smurfs and in deep mourning for the Blackhawks being had.

POWER RANKINGS

Last week’s results shook up the power rankings this week, resulting in a new number one.

1) Krunk Smurfs – Gay name. Good team. I’m not even mad, I’m impressed.

2) The Tones – No offense (only The Zou scored fewer offensive points) but INSANE pitching. Better hope none of your starters have off days.

3) Blackhawks – I feel cheated.

4) KC – Here only because you won and because your sister is hot.

5) Schilbies – *Sniff* *Sniff* … It smells like pansies in here.

THIS SPOT IS KIMBALL

7) The Zou – Will they break 100 this week? Stay tuned. Or, just, don’t pay attention.

8) 300 – CHEATER, CHEATER! Clap, Clap, ClapClapClap. CHEATER, CHEATER!

STATISTICAL ANALYSIS SHOWS THE ZOU SUCKS IN WEEK ONE

Top 3 Scoring Teams
Smurfs – 333 points
Tones – 313 points
Cheaters/BF/300 – 275.5* points

Bottom 3 Scoring Teams
The Zou - 74.5^ points
KIMBALL – 189.5 points
Schilbies/Pansies – 202.5 points

^ The computer gave varied results. Apparently, the system was not made to calculate scores that low.

Top 3 Best Days
Smurfs – 105 points on April 7
Tones – 92.5 on April 1
Cheaters/BF/300 – 86.5* on April 4

Top 3 Worst Days
The Zou – minus-15 on April 6
Schilbies/Pansies – minus-11 on April 8
Smurfs – minus-2.5 on April 5

THE ULTIMATE WEEK ONE LINE-UP

Each week I will give you the “fantasy” line-up of the week of the players who did the best at their position over the course of the week. This consists of all players on every roster and on the free agent and waiver market. All of these points are through Saturday’s games.

C Brian McCann (Blackhawks) – 21 points
Back-up: Paul Lo Duca (KIMBALL) 18 points

1B Todd Helton (Tones) 26 points
Back-up: Mike Jacobs (FA) 23 points

2B Marcus Giles (300) 22 points
Back-up: Orlando Hudson (FA) 21 points

3B Miguel Cabrera (Schilbies) 42 points
Back-up: Alex Rodriguez (Smurfs) 34 points

SS Jose Reyes (300) 33 points
Back-up: Jimmy Rollins (Smurfs) 32 points

LF Adam Dunn (Tones) 30 points
Back-up: David DeJesus (KC), Josh Willingham (Smurfs) 18 points

CF Eric Byrnes (Schilbies) 35 points
Back-up: Carlos Beltran (Smurfs) 29 points

RF Vladimir Guerrero (KC) 43 points
Back-up: Bobby Abreu (300), Mark De Rosa (KC) 20 points

DH Frank Thomas (Smurfs) 21 points
Back-up: Travis Hafner (KC) 16 points

Starting Pitchers
1) Felix Hernandez (Tones) 54 points
2) Dontrelle Willis (Blackhawks) 53 points
3) John Lacky (Schilbies) 48 points
4) Roy Oswalt (300) 46 points
5) Ted Lily (KC), Dice-K (Tones) 45 points

Back-ups
Aaron Harang (Smurfs) 44 points, Jason Hirsh (FA) and Rich Hill (FA) 41 points

Relief Pitchers
1) Bobby Jenks (Blackhawks) 31 points
2) Solomon Torres (FA/300) 26 points

Back-ups
Bob Wickman (FA) 25 points, Mariano Rivera (Tones) 24 points

Starters Week and Season Totals
300 (4), Tones (3), Schilbies (3), Blackhawks (3), KC (2), Smurfs (1), FA (1)

Back-ups Week and Season Totals
FA (5), Smurfs (5), KC (3), 300 (1), Tones (1), KIMBALL (1)

OTHER STUFF…COMING SOON…MAYBE

300 Suspended for Steroid Use, Week One Review, Week Two Preview

Come on, like you didn't expect 300 to be on the Roids. For shame Andrew, for shame.

In a stunning turn of events, Andrew Wessley's Fantasy Baseball Team "300" has been suspended indefinately after the revelation of steroid use by the team's players.

"I'm in shock," The League creator Ben Nielsen said in a statement. "I am appalled that Mr. Wessley would allow such conduct to occur in his orgainization. I insure all that Mr. Wessley and his team will be punished to the fullest extent of The League rules and bylaws."

The information was revealed by an anonymous source who provided evidence that 300 fantasy players were on steroids and that team owner Wessley was aware of it.

Wessley denied reporters requests for interviews, but a publicist did make a statement.

"Yeah, he knew about it," said Wessley publicist Amy Grigby. "He's known about it from the begining. He's just pissed that he got caught."

The alagations come at a time where 300 just barely pulled of an upset of the #1 Blackhawks 275.5 - 232.5.

"I sucked this week," team leader Albert Pujols said. "I let the team down. I let the organization down. I let myself down. I let my family down. I let God down. Most importantly, I let the greatest man in the world down, Ben Nielsen. Suicide may be an option for me."

While official judgement has not yet passed, it can be assumed the win by 300 will be forfeited. News of this led Pujols to put a week long postponement on his suicide plans.

300 next sceduled opponent was sceduled to be the Krunk Smurfs, but it is unlikely Nielsen will allow them to compete.

"They cheated," Nielsen said. "I cannot allow for cheaters to be in this league. If 'he who will not be named' wants to cheat than he can go live a single life in his mother's basement. I...I just can't awknowledge his existence right now. I'm ashamed and embaressed I ever knew of the 'so called' man."

Week two will continue with or without 300. The Blackhawks have a bye this week...oh, excuse me...play The Zou this week while KC takes on the Tones and the Schilbies take on Team KIMBALL.

WEEK ONE REVIEW

300 verus the Blackhawks was the best match-up of the week. 300's steroid ladened victory gives them a 1-0 record while the Blackhawks fall to 0-1.

The key to the win for 300 (aside from the steroids) was Albert Pujols and Manny Ramirez extremely slow start. The two combined for a six-for-36 start (0 HRs, 2 RBI, 5 Ks, 2 runs, 2 XBH) going into play on Sunday. By that time, the game had, for all intensive purposes, been decided.

April 4 was the key day for 300, out-scoring the Blackhawks 86.5 to 46.5. Left Fielder Matt Holliday went four-for-five with a double, home run and four RBI's while scoring twice and catcher Victor Martinez added a four-for-four performance, walking twice and smacking a double. Shortstop Jose Reyes also added a double, home run and three RBIs to the mix. In total, the line up of 300 produced 30 points.

The pitching for 300 was the key to the big point day. Phillies starting pitcher Cole Hammels went off in his season debut, going seven shutout inning, striking out eight while walking one. Hammels earned 32.5 points dispite not earning the win. Huston Street pitched a solid inning in relief and Josh Beckett took the win in a 16.5 point performance.

Key's in Review - Opening Day: While 300 did not take a big lead on Opening Day, the 60-plus point outburst leveled off the Blackhawks biggest scoring day (59.5). Had any of the other 300 starting pitchers gone the way of Carlos Zambrano, the Blackhawks may have stole the win.

Picks to Not Suck - Albert Pujols and David Ortiz: Yeah, the both sucked.
Prediction - Blackhawks over 300: Stupid steroids.

Other Week One Games

Smurfs vs The Zou

Picks to Not Suck - Carl Crawford and Carlos Beltran: Crawford = mediocure, Beltran = Freaking Good (29 points second only to Eric Byrnes in CF)
Prediction - Smurfs over The Zou: Nailed it. Not even close. Thanks for helping me out Zou.

KIMBALL vs KC

Picks to Not Suck - Guerrerro and Ryan Howard: Guerrerro = Definition of not sucking, Howard = definition of sucking
Prediction - KC over KIMBALL: Nailed it again. By the way KC, thanks for David Wright. I appriciate it.

Schilbies vs Tones

Picks to Not Suck - Robinson Cano and Ryan Zimmerman: Cano = traded, Zimmerman = not traded
Prediction - Tones over Schilbies: 3 for 4. Stupid 300 and steroids.

WEEK TWO PREVIEW

300 will need more steroids if they look to get past the red, er, blue hot Smurfs. The Smurfs posted a league leading 333 points last week including an 105 point day on April 7.

300 has the bats to keep up with the Smurfs. The Smurfs benefited from a monsterous performance from 3B Alex Rodriguez last week and 300 suffered from a slumping DH David Ortiz. Ortiz appeared to have broken out of his slump Sunday night. If AROD cools off and Ortiz heats up, the Line-ups for each team will be a push.

What will decide the matchup this week is pitching. 300 needs newly aquired Pirates closer Salomon Torres to remain steady and for the Pirates to continuing winning. The Pirates face St. Louis and San Francisco this week. Torres will need another week like last week to keep 300 in the race.

The Smurfs chances will rest on Boston starter Curt Schilling and Reds starter Aaron Harang. The growingly inconsistant Schilling needs to avoid a bad start and Harang needs to avoid a poor performance in Chicago too hold on to as many points as they can.

The team who loses the most points to poor starting pitching performances will lose this matchup.

W2W4: STARTING PITCHING! Didn't know if I'd made that point yet.
Picks to Not Suck: J.D. Drew, Smurfs and Andruw Jones
Prediction: Smurfs in a close one over 300

OTHER GAMES

Tones vs KC

W2W4: New look KC trys to add points in an unconventional style. Will have a tough task verses Tone pitching.
Picks to Not Suck: Ichiro Suzuki, Tones and Derek Lee, KC
Prediction: Tones pitching over KC

Schilbies vs Team KIMBALL

W2W4: Will the Schilbies lose to, well, nobody? That would be embarrassing wouldn't it?
Picks to Not Suck: Ryan Howard, Kimball and Miguel Cabrera, Schilbies
Prediction: Schilbies over Kimball

Blackhawks vs The Zou

W2W4: Can the Zou break 100?
Picks to Not Suck: Mark Teahen, The Zou and David Wright, Blackhawks
Prediction: Blackhawks (hopefully) over The Zou