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PAP Meter: Pujols: “I am John.”

It is 11:22 PM (Monday night) and I am staring at the scoreboard of our fantasy baseball league in horror. I have a 56 point spot (minus Suppan’s win and quality start and Fogg’s, more than likely, loss) on Joel. One problem: Joel has a 40 spot going .

Here is why I am nervous. Joel has scored SIX offensive points today. Six. Yet Lackey’s gift start versus the Royals and a random 1.5 points from Heath Bell makes Joel’s really bad day into a pretty good one.

Looking at Joel’s Probable Starter list, you will see the following:
John Lackey @ KC
Justin Verlander @ KC
John Smoltz vs LAD
Andy Pettitte @ Tex
Kyle Lohse @ Hou
Mike Maroth @ KC
John Lackey vs CWS
Mark Buehrle @ LAA

Consider the following:
KC’s offense sucks. Houston’s offense sucks. Chicago’s offense is in a TERRIBLE slump. Texas has been no-hit this year. LAAAAA is a one of the most inconsistent offenses in baseball. It is feasible Joel could score 500 points with his pitching this week. This would send me to 0-5. That would send me into depression. That would lead me to transfer from SBU.

Wait…

GO SCHILB!

Ultimate Lineup

Catcher - Joe Mauer, 31, Schilbies
Backup - Victor Martinez, 29, 300

1B – Todd Helton, 38, Tones
Backup – Kevin Youkilis, 27, FA

2B – Chase Utley, 39, PM
Backup – Kelly Johnson, 30, R-C

3B – B.J. Upton, 29, FA
Backup – Mike Lowell, 27, 300

SS – Alex Gonzalez, 39, FA
Backup – Jimmy Rollins, 36, Smurfs

LF – Barry Bonds, 45, R-C
Backup – Carl Crawford, 28, Zou

CF – Vernon Wells, 37, PM
Backup – Aaron Rowand, 35, FA

RF – Magglio Ordonez, 49, PM
Backup – Sammy Sosa, 35, FA

DH – David Ortiz, 27, 300
Backup – Frank Thomas, 25, Smurfs

Starting Pitching
1 Dan Haren, 67, Zou
2 John Maine, 64, Zou
3 Aaron Harang, 56, Smurfs
4 Jake Peavy, 53, KC
5 Chad Durbin (FA) and Bartolo Colon (Zou), 48

Backups
1 Roy Halladay, 46, Smurfs
2 James Shields, 45, Zou

Relief Pitching
1 Brandon Morrow, 32, FA
2 Al Reyes, 31, Tones

Backups
1 Armando Benitez, 27, FA
2 J.J. Putz, 26, FA

WEEK THREE AND WEEK FOUR REVIEW

Most of you won (except for Shilb…YESSSSSSS!) except for me. What I do not understand is how the Pansies can be so terrible. I mean, what do you have to do to be that bad? Next thing you know, he’s going to do some ridiculous thing like only score 49 points in one week. I don’t think that is possible though, even for a team as terrible as the Schilbies. Geez, he sucks.

ANYWAY, here are the standings through the first month of the season:

Kansas City

Smurfs 4-0 – Where would you be without AROD? Nowhere! Hear that? Nowhere!
300* 3-1 – 1-1 against teams who are not 0-4. Should be 0-2 but he cheated.
Zou 2-2 – I remember the 2003 Tigers losing games they way you lost to 300*.
R-C 0-4 – Undeniably the best 0-4 team in the history of fantasy baseball.

Gay Louis

Tones 4-0 – I’d like to see you beat a team that scores more than 49 points. Overrated.
KC 2-2 – Don’t have much here…so…you suck.
PM 1-3 – Better name. Crappy record.
Pansies 0-4 – You must be taking the same kind of steroids the Royals are taking.

As you can see, everyone has played four games. It is very clear that this is true.

GAY LOUIS VERSUS KANSAS CITY

At the one month mark, the Royals are CLEARLY better than the Gay Louis Cardinals. For proof, here is a statistical analysis:

GL has Albert Pujols. Point Royals.
GL has Jim Edmonds. Point Royals.
GL has Scott Rolen. Point Royals.

(as you can see, the Royals are winning 3-0)

KC has a bullpen. Point GL.
GL HAD (until it died) a bullpen. Point Royals.

(4-1)

GL is 10-14 while KC is 8-18. Equivalency meter says the Royals are 18-8 in the NL Central and GL is 5-19. HUGE point Royals.

Royals win 5-1.

Cardinals suck.