Evidence Against 300, Power Rankings, Statistical Mini-Breakdown, Ultimate Line-up, Other stuff...maybe

Gay.

Documentation of Andrew Wessley’s Fantasy Baseball Team “300” link to steroids has leaked to local press.

Anonymous sources, who asked do remain unidentified because they feared for their lives, produced several documents directly linking Wessley and his team to local steroid dealers.

Wessley refused to comment and has fired his former publicist. A new spokesman for the team did release a statement.

“Oh God, we’re screwed,” said Dip Thong. “We did not think anybody would find this stuff. I don’t know what to say other than we’re [expletive].”

Though actual copies of the documents have yet to be distributed as local authorities sift through the evidence, a short excerpt was given of a recent Instant Message session involving Wessley and the drug dealer.

Wessley, disguised as the name “Chunkythunder372” had this conversation with the dealer:

Chunkythunder372 (11:58:08 PM): have the roids been sent to everyone?

ISELLSTEROIDS39(11:58:59 PM): yes. when do I get paid?

Chunkythunder372 (11:59:11 PM): as soon as I see the results.

ISELLSTEROIDS39 (11:59:49 PM): that wasn’t the deal! you said id get paid after the delivery!

Chunkythinder372 (12:00:13 AM): the deal has changed.

ISELLSTEROIDS39 (12:01:06 AM): I AM NOT A GUY YOU WANT TO MESS WITH!

Chunkythunder372 (12:01:31 AM): shut up Roger Clemons you can’t do [expletive] to me.

Chunkythunder372 (12:01:58AM): i get results. you get paid. we didn’t have this conversation. im out. peace.

While Roger Clemons name was mentioned as the possible dealer, the media has determined there is no way that he did steroids because they didn’t see him do it. Just like Albert Pujols. And though they have not seen Barry Bonds take steroids, they don’t like him because he is black.

Jason Giambi, another individual who admitted to steroid use, said he no longer uses steroids because he is now gay. It is reported he and teammates Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter have had some pretty crazy nights.

However the 300 roster is much different. Journalists Jayson Blair, Jack Kelly, Nada Behziz, Rick Bragg, Lloyd Brown and Fox Butterfield have all testified that they witnessed DH/C Mike Piazza, C/1B Victor Martinez, LF Matt Holliday, RF Bobby Abreu and 3B Eric Chavez all use steroids. DH David Ortiz may have also used steroids, but as Blair said, “We may have accidentally turned our heads when he injected himself, we’re not sure.”

All of this leaves The League creator Ben Nielsen very upset.

“I thought I knew Andrew,” said Nielsen. “I thought I knew what he was about. Then I read those documents and heard what those journalists said. Now…I’m just very hurt.”

It is still uncertain what will happen to Wessley as punishment. A likely punishment will involve shoving a gerbil in Wessley’s ass through a tube and kicking him in the balls several times as requested by six of the seven The League owners.

The only person to not vote for one of those two options was Wessley, who was a pansy (sorry for the dis on your team Joel) and chose to be fined.

What he did not take into account was that the amount of the fine was not set. He should expect a large bill from Southwest Baptist University in the summer.

More information on Wessley’s cheating is expected over the coming weeks. As for now, the whole nation of Fantasy Baseball is cheering for the Smurfs and in deep mourning for the Blackhawks being had.

POWER RANKINGS

Last week’s results shook up the power rankings this week, resulting in a new number one.

1) Krunk Smurfs – Gay name. Good team. I’m not even mad, I’m impressed.

2) The Tones – No offense (only The Zou scored fewer offensive points) but INSANE pitching. Better hope none of your starters have off days.

3) Blackhawks – I feel cheated.

4) KC – Here only because you won and because your sister is hot.

5) Schilbies – *Sniff* *Sniff* … It smells like pansies in here.

THIS SPOT IS KIMBALL

7) The Zou – Will they break 100 this week? Stay tuned. Or, just, don’t pay attention.

8) 300 – CHEATER, CHEATER! Clap, Clap, ClapClapClap. CHEATER, CHEATER!

STATISTICAL ANALYSIS SHOWS THE ZOU SUCKS IN WEEK ONE

Top 3 Scoring Teams
Smurfs – 333 points
Tones – 313 points
Cheaters/BF/300 – 275.5* points

Bottom 3 Scoring Teams
The Zou - 74.5^ points
KIMBALL – 189.5 points
Schilbies/Pansies – 202.5 points

^ The computer gave varied results. Apparently, the system was not made to calculate scores that low.

Top 3 Best Days
Smurfs – 105 points on April 7
Tones – 92.5 on April 1
Cheaters/BF/300 – 86.5* on April 4

Top 3 Worst Days
The Zou – minus-15 on April 6
Schilbies/Pansies – minus-11 on April 8
Smurfs – minus-2.5 on April 5

THE ULTIMATE WEEK ONE LINE-UP

Each week I will give you the “fantasy” line-up of the week of the players who did the best at their position over the course of the week. This consists of all players on every roster and on the free agent and waiver market. All of these points are through Saturday’s games.

C Brian McCann (Blackhawks) – 21 points
Back-up: Paul Lo Duca (KIMBALL) 18 points

1B Todd Helton (Tones) 26 points
Back-up: Mike Jacobs (FA) 23 points

2B Marcus Giles (300) 22 points
Back-up: Orlando Hudson (FA) 21 points

3B Miguel Cabrera (Schilbies) 42 points
Back-up: Alex Rodriguez (Smurfs) 34 points

SS Jose Reyes (300) 33 points
Back-up: Jimmy Rollins (Smurfs) 32 points

LF Adam Dunn (Tones) 30 points
Back-up: David DeJesus (KC), Josh Willingham (Smurfs) 18 points

CF Eric Byrnes (Schilbies) 35 points
Back-up: Carlos Beltran (Smurfs) 29 points

RF Vladimir Guerrero (KC) 43 points
Back-up: Bobby Abreu (300), Mark De Rosa (KC) 20 points

DH Frank Thomas (Smurfs) 21 points
Back-up: Travis Hafner (KC) 16 points

Starting Pitchers
1) Felix Hernandez (Tones) 54 points
2) Dontrelle Willis (Blackhawks) 53 points
3) John Lacky (Schilbies) 48 points
4) Roy Oswalt (300) 46 points
5) Ted Lily (KC), Dice-K (Tones) 45 points

Back-ups
Aaron Harang (Smurfs) 44 points, Jason Hirsh (FA) and Rich Hill (FA) 41 points

Relief Pitchers
1) Bobby Jenks (Blackhawks) 31 points
2) Solomon Torres (FA/300) 26 points

Back-ups
Bob Wickman (FA) 25 points, Mariano Rivera (Tones) 24 points

Starters Week and Season Totals
300 (4), Tones (3), Schilbies (3), Blackhawks (3), KC (2), Smurfs (1), FA (1)

Back-ups Week and Season Totals
FA (5), Smurfs (5), KC (3), 300 (1), Tones (1), KIMBALL (1)

OTHER STUFF…COMING SOON…MAYBE

Mid-Week Power Rankings, Royals Still Rule, Cardinals Get Lucky, Trade Reviews, Other Stuff Too...Wow, these headlines get kinda long don't they? Geez

I now know why AROD and Griffey wanted out of Seattle so badly...Or they were just afraid of the realization they were coming too. Either one works here. Also, my appoligies for not being able to come up with a witty "Buhner is gay" joke or something to that extent. And what is with the long caption to this picture anyway? On to the BLOG!

A miricle happened yesterday. No, The Zou did not break fifty points. The Cardinals actually won a baseball game. I assume it was on accident. Wake me up when they actually beat somebody good, like, say, the Tigers or the Red Sox or something to that caliber. 'Till then, I'll be watching the with amazement as Royals starter after Royals starter continues to do better than Chris Carpenter, Carlos Zambrano, Roy Oswalt, Aaron Harang, Ben Sheets and, oh, whoever it is who pitches for the Pirates. Ian Snell I guess????

Well, maybe not ALL of those guys. But for sure WAY better than Chris Carpenter. Way better. I guess Zambrano can almost equal Carpenter's crappiness. Just ask BF/300. But just almost.

TRADE REVIEWS THAT HAVE ALREADY BEEN DONE. NOW I AM COMING UP WITH MORE WORDS TO CONTINUE THE TREND OF UNNECESSARILY LONG TITLES, HEADLINES AND CAPTIONS. I THINK THIS WILL DO NOW. NOW, ON TO THE POINTS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN UNDER THE HEADLINE!

There have been precisely THREE trades in the opening week of the season. This is not a bad number really. It is my duty to rip all three of these trades to shreds and tell you who was the "Winner" and who was the "Idiot" (Ha! you were expecting "loser" there weren't ya?). We will dissect these trades chronologically (You know, for a guy who wants to write for a living, I sure can't spell. I've already used the "Spell Check" five times. I suck.).

TRADE #1: BF/300 sends SS Edgar Renteria and CF Tori Hunter to the "I Need a New Name" Schilbies for LF Matt Holliday and 1B Kevin Youkilis

This trade was done out of necessity. Both BF/300 and , um, lets call them....the Pansies (for both the cheesy attempt at using his name in the team name and general, well, pansiness) failed to draft specific players for specific positions.

BF/300 is the obvious winner of this trade. I'd be surprised to see either Hunter or Renteria in the Pansies line-up come the end of the month. While Youkilis is going to have to be replaced at some point by BF/300, Holliday will put up huge numbers for him coming off the bench or in a starting role, using the thin air of Colorado to pad his stats.

Rule #1: Never trade a productive player from Colorado unless you are getting a high return for him or the franchise is temporarily moving their home games to Kansas for some inexplicable reason.

TRADE #2: Tones trade RF/LF Nick Markakis to the 2005 Royals (aka The Zou) for 3B Troy Glaus

This was a "depth" trade for the Tones. The trade gave the Tones a 3B to back up Ryan Zimmerman while defending NL batting champion Freddy Sanchez sits on the DL.

Markakis, honestly, does nothing for the 2003 Tigers (aka The Zou). The have more holes than, well, I can't think of anything that has more holes than the Zou. Man, The Zou sucks.

Winner: None.
Loser: None. Well, assuming you are not talking about how bad the Zou is , but that is a different subject.
Final Judgement: Push, with an edge to the Tones because of the depth issue.

TRADE #3: The Pansies send 2B Jeff Kent, 2B Robinson Cano and OF Maglio Ordonez to the Blackhawks for 2B Brian Roberts and SP Anibal Sanchez, Blackhawks release Curtis Granderson.

This trade is sort of goofy and has half of the Leagues second baseman in it. The Pansies upgrade the spot by putting the pre-season second-rated second baseman in his line-up and adds a decent backup pitcher to his rotation. He also gained a free roster spot in the trade.

The Blackhawks gain a better Fantasy RF to replace Ryan Freel and help clean up the chaos that is the Blackhawks' starting pitching rotation by taking a name out of the mix. They also gain options at what to do at second base and add trade pieces for possible, may near future, deals.

Overall, the Winner here has to be the Pansies because of the huge upgrade he made in his blackhole of an infield. It now seems to be stabilizing.

The future will tell if the Blackhawks were idiots in this trade. If the secondbase position remains stable and Ordonez proves to be more productive than Freel, than you cannot consider this a terrible trade. Maybe , at the most, a questionable one, but definitely not a terrible one.

Final Verdict: To be determined...

MID-WEEK POWER RANKINGS...AND OTHER WORDS TOO

Rankings, and one thought per team:

1) Tones - If the pitching stays continues to be what it has been (through a whoping one start each) this team will be near unbeatable.

2) Smurfs/Blue Bats (SBU prevents me from using the word "Balls" here...) - Imagine how good they would be if they had a LEFT FIELDERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

3) Blackhawks - I...I...I just don't know what to say here. I suck.

4) KC - I will not make a joke about making out with his sister. I will not make a joke about making out with his sister. I will not make a joke about making out with his sister... So...umm...yeah...How's school goin'?...I WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH YOUR SISTER! Crap. I suck at self-control. Good thing I'm not staying at his house this weekend. Wait......

5) Schilb/Panies - Dude, get a new name, you move up a spot or two. That's all I ask.

THIS SPOT IS KIMBALL

7) The Zou/Suckfest - At their worst, they are the 2003 Tigers. At their best, they are the 2005 Royals. This only furthers the stereotype that anybody associated with the University of Missouri has no idea how to run a program.

8) BF/300 - Don't wanna comment on the BLOG? Gonna try to beat me this week? Then this is where you end up Momma's Basement Boy.

OTHER THINGS YOU SHOULD READ WHILE YOU HAVE THE TIME. iF YOU DON'T THEN YOU WILL BE CURSED, JUST AS THE ZOU HAS BEEN CURSED. OR YOU WILL JUST BE DUMB. SOMETHING LIKE THAT. JUST CLICK THE LINKS.

If you haven't gotten the point yet, start paying attention...

Yes, awkward...

I don't know if I like this or MLB.TV...

Blue Springs Props...

Speaking of Buhner...

I don't know if I like this new change in the Bowling world, but what do I know?

The Draft, Rankings, Week One and other crazy worthless information

This is the official blog of The League.

All are enouraged to comment and post on this site. To post, e-mail the text, links to pics and websites to Ben at 446835@sbuniv.edu.

Now, important stuff.

Draft Rankings/Power Rankings

Don't know if you noticed or not, but we had a draft on Saturday. Here are the Offical Rankings and comments on the draft.

1 Ben Nielsen (Blackhawks)
Fewest holes of the 8 teams. Weakest position is right field. Puts a lot of weight on young
pitchers continuing success. Great keeper prospects. Would be outright number one with
a dominating ace.
Best Pick: Garrett Atkins
Worst Pick: Mike Mussina
Sleeper: Barry Bonds, Ian Snell and Curtis Granderson
Best Trade Prospect: Barry Bonds

2 Jason Wiley (Smurfs)
Would be number one if his catching, left field and back-end pitching rotation were not so
questionable with injuries and lack of fantasy production. Has an overall solid line-up. Top
two pitchers are the second best fantasy tandum behind Tony. Amazing bullpen.
Best Pick: Joe Nathan and Rickie Weeks
Worst Pick: J.D. Drew and Aaron Harang
Sleeper: Alex Rios
Best Trade Prospect: Gary Sheffield and

3 Tony Allen (Tones)
Would be ranked higher if the C, 2B and CF positions were not lacking so much. Good
pitching all around minus Wainwright and Millwood. Great depth. Good keeper possiblities.
Best Pick: Ryan Zimmerman and Dave Bush
Worst Pick: Ian Kinsler and Kevin Millwood
Sleeper: Nick Markakis
Best Trade Prospect: Adam Dunn and Freddie Sanchez

4 Andrew Wessley (300)
Great depth. Good keeper possibilities. Lacks the strong, heavey ladened line-up and
has too many pitchers that have questions about their health.
Best Pick: Matt Holliday (via trade) and Cole Hamels
Worst Pick: Dan Uggla and Nick Swisher
Sleeper: Billy Butler and Cole Hamels
Best Trade Prospect: Jermaine Dye

5 Joel Schilb (Schilbies)
Solid infield and a good bench. Great keeper potential. Bad pitching rotation and closers.
Best Pick: Jose Lopez
Worst Pick: Jason Isringhousen
Sleeper: Mark Teahan and Eric Byrnes
Best Trade Prospect: Magglio Ordonez and Scott Rolen

6 Casey Allen (KC)
Too many holes to be any higher. Has decent potential to improve and has good trade
pieces.
Best Pick: Vladmire Guerrero
Worst Pick: Jacque Jones
Sleeper: David DeJesus
Best Trade Prospect(s): Roger Clemens, Derrek Lee, Travis Hafner

7 Erik Johnson (The Zou)
Would be a great AAA Team. Too bad this is a Major League Fantasy Baseball League.
Guess Erik missed the memo.
Best Pick: Carl Crawford
Worst Pick: Estaban German and Tim Hudson
Sleeper: Howie Kendrick
Best Trade Prospect: Carlos Lee

8 Jeff Kimball (KIMBALL)
Kimball wins the "Most Likely to Actually Show Up at the Draft Next Year" Award after
seeing what his roster looks like.
Best Pick: Chase Utley
Worst Pick: N/A
Sleeper: Jhonny Peralta
Best Trade Prospect: Ryan Howard


Week One

Week one features some great match-ups including Power Rankings #1 Blackhawks verses #3 300.

300 will need shortstop Jose Reyes and designated hitter David Ortiz to step up this week. Most of 300's line-up is faceing good pitching with the exception of Ortiz and Reyes who are facing Kansas City and St. Louis respectively.

The Blackhawks will lean on second baseman Brian Roberts and right fielder Ryan Freel. If those two perform, then it will be very difficult for 300 to match the Blackhawks offensively.

What to watch for: Opening day, 300 will start 4 pitchers to the Blackhawks 1. A big day from those 4 pitchers could give 300 the momentum they need for the win.

Picks to Not Suck: Albert Pujols -Blackhawks, David Ortiz - 300

Prediction: Blackhawks over 300

OTHER GAMES:

Smurfs vs The Zou
W2W4: Smurfs back-end pitching need to step up to fend off young Zou line-up.
Picks to Not Suck: Carl Crawford - Zou, Carlos Beltran - Smurfs
Prediction: Smurfs over Zou

KIMBALL vs KC
W2W4: Both teams catchers could be sleepers this year.
Picks to Not Suck: Vlad Guererro - KC, Ryan Howard - KIMBALL
Prediction: KC dominates KIMBALL

Schilbies vs Tones
W2W4: Second best match-up of the week will be determined by the pitching battle.
Picks to Not Suck: Robinson Cano - Schilbies, Ryan Zimmerman - Tones
Prediction: Tones defeat Schilbies