Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Rivalries and the Case of the Monday's

Over the course of time, man has used rivalries to keep things spruced up a bit. It is a time honored tradition of nonsensically hating another person for inconsequential reasons. (Note: I want to let you all know I wrote all of those words correctly on the first try. No joke. Yeah, I can’t believe it either.)

It is these truths that are self-evident to some individuals who are observant of details to notice said self-evident truths:

- God hates St. Louis.
- Woody-Gott hates Jesus.
- Cain hated Abel (RIP Abe).
- Main Street hates Wall Street.
- Stewie hates Lois.
- Fox News hates facts.
- Albert Pujols hates heterosexuals. (It is the only reason why he would like to take balls so much. I mean he takes them high, he takes them low, he takes them in the dirt, outside and inside; what more evidence do you need? None of the Royals players do this, therefore they are not gay.)
- The Chiefs hate the Raiders, Broncos, Chargers, winning, touchdowns, tackling, the draft, losing money and fans.
- Jason Whitlock hates white people at the Power and Light District along with salads.
- And, of course, everyone hates Jason Wiley.

It is with this in mind that I tell you all to never make a deal on a Monday.*

Two weeks ago today (I’m writing this on a Monday, but you’re reading this on a day that is likely not Monday) I made a pact - more of a challenge really - with Kyle Morris as to the outcome of our season series.

The deal was simple. The winner of the season series between our two fantasy teams would be the beneficiary of a hot dog and a beer at a Royals game courtesy of the loser, with the tie-breaker being total points.

A name for said challenge has not yet been developed. Kyle named it something, but I remember not liking it much and quickly forgot it. Beer Dog Cup maybe? I can’t remember what it was he called it.

* It should be noted that upon making this pact Grady Sizemore, Josh Hamilton and Carlos Quentin landed themselves on the DL; Evan Longoria strained his groin; Tom Glavine was released from the Braves; Andrew McCutchen, who played in three games (all of which were his first games in the Majors), outscored every player on my fantasy team (he had 24 points); I scored the fewest points in a week I have ever scored in fantasy baseball (156 to be exact). The very next week, in a matchup that I did not have a bet on, I scored 414 points.

Anyway, I feel there needs to be more publicity for rivalries that I know exists in this league. Here are some suggestions.

RIVALRY ONE: Andrew Wessley vs. Erik Johnson
SUGGESTED NAME: Really Annoying People Cup
REASON: Andrew and Erik, as of now anyway, are the only two owners to have won a The League title. So, this is really a Yankees/Red Sox kind of rivalry. And we all know what we think of when we think of THAT rivalry: Douche bags.

RIVALRY TWO: Joel Schilb vs. Adam Keller
SUGGESTED NAME: The Overrated Cup
REASON: Joel and Adam came into The League with much hype, boasting of their “stacked” rosters and “great pitching”. A good reference point for this Cubs/Cardinals rivalry: Two teams that think they are good, but really are never really that good. This isn’t to say they don’t get lucky every once in a while. I mean, Joel actually made the playoffs last season. I wonder who he sold his soul to in order to get that result. Or maybe he just offered his body up to Albert Pujols as a sacrifice. Don’t get any ideas Tony.

RIVALRY THREE: Ben Nielsen vs. Andrew Wessley
REASON: Andrew and I have combined for the last four fantasy league titles (Two baseball, one football and one basketball). It only makes sense to have one more war to settle the score.

RIVALRY FOUR: Jeff Kimball vs. Kyle Morris
SUGGESTED NAME: Useless Information Bowl
REASON: Kyle and Kimball know a ridiculous amount of information. Some of it is very useful, most of it is not. Kimball, being the trusted and wise master of useless information, and Kyle, being the young protégée, each spent a significant amount of time back in the day researching and storing large quantities of facts for Scholar Bowl in their Blue Springs High School days. There is no way that previous sentence is grammatically correct, but I’m going to go with it anyway.

RIVALRY FIVE: Tony Allen vs. Jason Wiley
REASON: We all know why. (Hint: Think “gay”. Do you get it now, Joel? No? Figures…)

I recommend all of you partake is some kind of rivalry, it adds to the suspense. If you’d like to start one with me, it would probably be smart to get me to agree to it on a Monday the week I’m facing you. That tends to work out well.


Anonymous said...

EDIT: You and I combined for ONE baseball, TWO football, and one basketball championship.

The split goes like this...
The one baseball championship? Andrew
The two football championships? Andrew
The one basketball championship? Andrew

Wow...what a rivalry.


Erik said...

I agree with Andrew here. Any rivalry including fantasy sports and Ben Nielsen has to be a complete joke at this point.

Erik said...

Other than that, good post.